What I learned from FIFA World Cup 2014

L'homme pauvre!

Here's something I learned during FIFA World Cup 2014:

I like football/soccer more than I like some of my friends.  When they complain every day for a month all over Facebook about how evil soccer is, then we stop being friends, because that's a totally douchebag move to attack people's beloved summertime sport since we all know there are no redeeming qualities about the summer..... AT ALL.
Summer is hell.  It's hot.  It's sunny.  No one can breathe.  No one can move.  You're angry.  I'm angry.
But at least there's football.

So shut up about it already.  I GET IT, the world is horrible, people are being displaced, corporations ruin everything, why don't we whine about it instead of accomplishing anything real and make everyone else who's totally overheating in this godforsaken summer wasteland miserable too by flooding their social media sites with complaints about soccer!  SURELY then you'll feel better you douchey douche mc-doucher.  No one likes you.  Piss off.

In the mean time.  This World Cup has been amazing!  Right??!  Germany blitzkrieged the life out of Brazil 7-1?  First they sent them Nazi war criminals, then they sent them annihilation?  Hoooo it burns, I can feel it from here in godforsaken Montana, the virulent libertarian fortress that epitomizes the true hellishness a summer can be because it's eight thousand degrees and there is no weather and no trees.  When they say Big Sky, they're referring to the incessant vertigo you experience from the completely anchorless atmosphere.  This shit is endless!!!!!!!

All right well I guess that's all.
I know this is poorly written.  I'm overheating.  Shut up.

Yayyy!

Ooooh!

Mon-bullshit-tana

You know what?  I've just got to get this out there.

I don't like Montana.

It's the kind of place that would be nice for a week.
But to live here makes no sense.  Everything has to be shipped in at extraordinary cost, because the soil is dead, nothing can grow here, it doesn't rain, it doesn't storm, the people are uneducated, uncultured, xenophobic gun-hungry vagrants who think they're entitled to "god's land" or some such malarkey.  The only thing Montana has to offer is shit that dies, like coal, lumber, the aging population, hunting licenses for out of state heathens who want to kill "a real animal."  You know what a real animal is?  Something that will fight back.  Like a New Yorker.  You think you're tough, asshole?  Go buy a bottle of liquor on Bedford Ave. without shaking in your little spurs and tell me you're still a legitimate shred of testosterone.  Thing is, I actually respect those fuckers on Bedford, because they're real people.  These pudgy unilingual marshmallows I see around here are such a sad, sorry crime to human potential.  The same goes for the land.  The same goes for its weather.  Or lack thereof.

Montana, you've got some pretty bits.  But you're infested with fleas that bite and suck at your tired skin, while selling the remains to China.  This is a culture with no future.  That's actually what it deserves though, when you look at the sins these marshmallows committed to secure their promised land.




Disclaimer: If you're one of my friends in Montana, I'm obviously not talking about you.  This is very evidently an exaggeration, meant to provoke and also relieve the anger I have about the abysmal fact that I'm still living here.

The Title of the Story- and other updates!

Faster, computer!  Faster!  Faster!

Who else re-watched the Hobbit over the weekend?  Excited for that one to come out, just a few days now.  Friday?  I actually don't know when it comes out.  

Okay anyway, hey I just wanted to pop back here real quick to announce that I haven't abandoned this blog or anything, but I've been working on another one and thought I'd share the link.  

It's http://josephinapictures.blogspot.com/

"Who the F is Josephina?"  Why, are you with the NSA?  

"Why does that blog have such a stupid name?"  Why, are you Clement Greenberg?

I'm fairly taken with my new camera and my attention has been obsessively diverted towards photography for the moment.  Fret not, I shall return before long.

But yeah, head on over there.  I'm regaling a surprising number of readers with stories (and pictures) about the hardships of living in Montana, including our pipes freezing even though we do heat the house.  With heat.  Contrary to what those photos will imply.  Sentence fragments.  Good device.  Will be used more later.*

*Thanks David Moser, you're the BEST!!!

Also, here's another link to my other Photography Blog

Well that's the same link as above.  Now you're just getting confused.

But this link

should not be confused with this link.

Aww god now I'm confused.

Dual-Voiced Sleepy Wednesday Post

I'm happy to see that we've finally been getting snow this week, and today it seems to be sticking.

Perhaps like many other non-native Montanans, I had a reverie upon moving here that it would be snowing all the time.  I do prefer winter and snow, and am less enticed by heat and sunshine.  I was, however, disappointed to find that Montana is not a perpetual vision of icebergs, woolly mammoths, and fur-clad spear hunters.  It is only like that for a few months out of the year.

Now I don't want to cultivate an image of being the whiny East Coast girl who moved to the West only to find the weather unsuitable to her majesty's requirements.  In my defense I didn't necessarily choose to move here.  I just came along.  Like many non-native Montanans I've spoken to, we rode our youthful cannonade of adventure and landed in the alpine wonderland to see what was to be seen.  Once here, we found that it can be difficult to earn enough money living in Montana to move back out, and people become soothed into complacency, which isn't actually too hard when you consider the whole alpine wonderland part of it.

And this, dear souls, is where I find myself today.  Unable to conjure up much of anything but stupefied awe and gentle, wintry fatigue of which I will only awaken from with the return of scalding heat and flame of the rash of summer.

And I can't say that I'm in a hurry for that.

Now that it has snowed, I am like a fat baby full on warm milk.  I have nothing left to remain conscious for, knowing my security snow is just outside, covering the earth and dulling the tumult of sound.
I will now present you with pictures that depict my succor.

This is a pointless post.  Sorry.  I don't know why I'm posting this.  I haven't had motivation all week, I'm too sleepy and everyone around me is sick.  Even our little cat, Gabriel!  I think it's the snow.  

Anyway, I think I just wanted to capture the sleepiness.  But sleepiness is unremarkable, unless you're an insomniac.

Here is the view from the living room.

 

See?  Just look at how sleepy this is.  Who can possibly garner energy from this?  

Hello, welcome to my house.  Consider your energy garnered.  

-Oh!  Have you seen that movie with Jennifer You-Have-No-More-Energy Garner?
-No, I fell asleep during that one.  But I did listen to the new TedTalk, "Open your Eyes - A 12 Step Program to Rest and Recovery" narrated by James Why-Keep-Fighting-It Garner.
-Oh yeah, yeah!  I've seen that, they also did, "This is Dumb, I'm Disappointed in You" at Garner McGarnerton's inaugural garner.

Here's the view out of the bedroom window, with my little vegetable garden there.  This is at noon.  When it snows here the sky gets very thick and everything turns blue on the ground.

And then I nod off.

The inhabitants of the house are finding it difficult to muster up motivation or energy today too.

Right there with ya, Keiji.

Awwww, who needs to cuddle?  Is it baby Gabriel?  IsitbabyGABRielekljgkjgx?!!!?!

Someone in this house has always got ardor.

Bryn knows that beauty never sleeps.

Neither does evil.

Here's one of my favorite areas of the house.

View out of the kitchen window.

Pfft.  Who cares.  Wait, go back to the coffee. 

So. 
Yeah.  
Here I am, saturated by the throes of  paradise.

The Part Where I Turn 29 Again and have Amazing Insights on my Life Thus Far.

Hey there, what's up.  I just had a 30th second 29th birthday!  Look at me, I'm almost grown up!

Actually, a few weeks ago I got really sick and so my otherwise impeccable blogging, diet, and running regime took a major hit and I am now fat and saggy, and definitely feeling like I'm 29 again.  UUUUUUUgh.  Okay well anyway.  Here is my spouse and I, out at dinner where we enjoyed fine tastes and fine company.  Anyone else live in Montana?  We ate at the Silk Road, which is basically our go-to fine dining restaurant, at least when Scotty's Table is closed which it is on Mondays because apparently Scotty's Table thinks it's an ART MUSEUM.  That's how classy they are.  They're so classy they're closed on Mondays.

My part has meandered over to the far left of my face, just like when I was a toddler.  This either indicates that I'm still young like a joyous little fledgling, or it means my body is retreating towards death, and it'll be diapers again in just a few short months.  Well.  Maybe they make a cream for that.

So then we went bowling even though I haven't done that since I was in Girl Scouts, -brownie scouts?  Was that what that was called?  I hated those bitches.  That should have been my first clue that I wouldn't be hanging out with girls much later in life.  They just talked about cookies and hair and who was using all the colored construction paper!  Guess who it was?  It was me!  Because I had a vision, dammit, and not even a weird face or detrimental shyness was going to get in the way of that!  Which I suppose remains the case today, nearly three decades later.

We were pretty classy about it, though.  The bowling I mean.  Several days later, I still have The Big Lebowski theme music stuck in my head.  While we were playing, I was pretty much pretending that I was a semi-competent gangster do-gooder who could look awesome bowling, though none of that ended up being the case in this particular situation.  A nice lady came out from the bar and gave me a free shot of tequila to celebrate my birthday.  She said something about how it sucks to celebrate only with guys, which is what I was doing, and I didn't understand why I needed to take a shot about that.  But then, the Girl Scouts ruined me to women so... Oh also it's Montana.... so maybe she thought I was a multi-mannned whore.  Huh.  I hadn't thought of that.

Well anyway.  I am a whore for one man and one man only, and that man is the slickest looking bowler this side of the Mississippi, and not just because he's holding all the beer.

I mean also, look at that concentration.

So then we commenced with our awesome Big Lebowski-ness.

I have awesome shoes!

And awesome friends.

OH YEAH!  So the reason this blog post exists is because my Dad got me a new digital camera!!!  I am so freaking excitE you guys!  This will open a whole new avenue for what I can do here.

You will soon learn that I have a big hard-on for blurry photos.

Here's another, isn't it GLORIOUS?  I could desktop background the shit out of this shit.  (Don't tell my Mom I talk like that.)

In my nearly three decades on this earth, there are some things that I have learned about life.  I would like to briefly share those with you here.

1.  Shuck your pride and just say you're sorry when you've done something wrong.  Try not to do it again, and forgive when forgiveness is needed.  You will save yourself a lot of trouble and heartache if you just do it right off the bat.

2.  Don't get stuck in a habitual view of self pity and victimhood.  Fate brings what it will, and we may be dealt a terrible hand from time to time.  But choice is something you will always have, so if you're living a hell, then make the choice to stop doing what isn't working for you.

Oh yeah, and don't complain about things, that's just annoying to everyone else.

Unless you're Graham or myself, and you/I are gossiping about annoying habits of people we know.  Hmm?  No we don't do that.  And neither does anyone else......

3.  Don't hurt others, or at least try your best.  (but say you're sorry if you accidentally do!)

4.  Have make-up sex before the fight.  That way, by the time you bring it up for discussion, you're not irrational and angry about it.  You can just say, "oh hey I wanted to let you know that ______sort of bothered me. I know you didn't mean it that way, but just be mindful that it can come across as hurtful when you say it," and your lover will say, "oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I will do better," and then you can have second make-up sex to make sure the healing is complete.

I think I read that in the Bible.  There's like a whole section on healing.

5.  And have fun.  Not everything has to be as serious as you insist on making it.

Uuh, oh and yeah.  I believe I have referred to this blog/page as a web comic on occasion, but as you will see, I'm not entirely sure what it is yet.  It's going to be a series of things, highly visual in nature.  If you know me in real life, you will probably think less of me after reading my posts because I give an inaccurate portrayal of prudery and unwavering compassion for my fellow man.  I guess that implies that the alternative is that I am a multi-manned whore who hates a select group of planetary residents.  That's not accurate either.  As stated earlier, I am a whore for one man, (though that doesn't mean that he can whore me out) and I am rather fond of the company of most non-predatory and/or non-scaled animals.

And here's our band photo.

YAY!  Look at how much fun it can be to be 29 again!  You can do it too!  You can be anything you want to be.